STUDY SHOWS SHORT PEOPLE ARE COOL

         

Years of observation led me to the theory that short people are genetically more advanced than tall people.  To prove my theory I conducted an impartial study over thirty-two years. Actually, I started it thirty two years ago and forgot all about it until last month.  The findings are in no way influenced by the fact that I'm a five-foot nothing male.  To insure validity this is a double blind study, and not the cheap ones from a discount store.  I used the really good blinds that cost a lot.

The first experiment was to determine the liklihood of injury in correlation to height.  This was accomplished in the following manner: First, I stood on the floor and fell over backwards.  Secondly, I stood on top of a ladder and fell over backwards.

The results of this experiment were surprising.  I substained only a minor bump on the head from the fall while standing on the floor, but the fall from the ladder created severe trauma to my head, torso, and left leg.  It also resulted in severe disdain from my wife, but then she isn't a scientist.  The latter (or ladder) portion required hospitalization and the service of a certified psychologist.

Conclusion:  Being tall is inherently unsafe and could result in severe injury and mood altering medication.


The second experiment was to determine how height affects cleanliness.  To accomplish this I charted all of my potty breaks for one week. This included ability to reach the bathroom in time, splashover of the toilet bowl and missing the bowl. I then charted the same potty breaks while wearing industrial grade drywall stilts set at various heights.

In the first system all pottying was successful except for one case of the seat falling down prematurely.  In the second system all pottying resulted in missing the toilet or splashing all over the walls. An occurance after several rounds of fermented refreshments resulted in failure to get into the bathroom in time. This caused a  stained wall, slippery floor and threats from my wife.  The higher the stilts were set the more the pottying was unsuccessful.

Conclusion:  Tall people are nasty.  The taller they are, the nastier they are.


The third experiment was to determine how height affects overall energy and vigor.  First I looked for a place populated almost entirely by short people to observe their level of vigor.  After extensive searching I settled upon observing a grammer school playground.  Before being apprehended by the police I documented a high level of energy and vigor.

Secondly, I observed a large group of tall people.  The logical place for this was a retirement home even though a number of the subjects were on the shortish side.  I compensated for this anomaly by calculating what the subjects height would be if they hadn't had osteoporosis and those unsightly humps on their backs.

The subjects in the playground showed remarkable vigor while the second group was lethargic.


Conclusion:  Being tall wears you out, and observing playgrounds offends the authorities.



The fourth experiment was to determine if women prefer tall or short men.  Since I'm the quintessential short man I was once again the subject.  I was admitedly a little nervous since I hadn't picked up chicks since 1973.  I donned my favorite lime green polyester leisure suit (which is only a little tight after thirty years in my closet) and big gold peace medallian. I went into the trendiest nightclub in the city after a liberal dousing of the famous female attractant "Hi Karate".

It was literally overwhelming the amount of female attention I recieved.  Virtually all of the female patrons and employees were in awe when I entered the club and stared at me in a state of shock. The other males were completely ignored even though they all appeared significantly taller than I am. I created such a stir that I was escorted out by the most jolly bouncers I'd ever had the pleasure to meet. 

Conclusion:  Chicks dig short guys who are snappy dressers and smell good.


The fifth and final experiment was the most grueling.  The purpose was to determine how short people around the world adapted to their environments.  It entailed dozens of hours in my recliner watching the History, Discovery, and Science Channels.  I found that the most inhospitable climates were populated by almost all short people.  This includes the inhospitable climate in my house when I was unable to take out the trash or mow the yard due to the demands of the research. 

The deepest, darkest parts of Africa are poulated by short tribemen, called Pygmies.  The Amazon is populated by equally short people, as are the Arctic steppes.  I even observed a documentery about a tribe of small persons called Munchkins that thrived even while being persecuted by my Mother-in-law, the wicked witch. 

I also noticed that most of the people who attempted to take over the world were short: Napolean, Hitler, Ross Perot, and Dr. Ruth. 

Conclusion:  Short people are hardy and you'll never get rid of them. If you make a short person mad he or she may overthrow the government.

These results show short people are better than tall folks.  Short people are less likely to be hurt, are more hygienic, peppier, sexier, and more likely to dominate the earth as we know it.

What can tall people do?  They should show respect to short people.  They should encourage attractive women to date them.  Tall people must avoiding beating up shorter folks as the short people will remember it when they rise up to run governments and large corperations.  Free food would be nice too, as would big discounts on electronics.  Also, if telling short jokes- GET SOME NEW ONES.  The existing ones have been around for about a thousand years and we've heard them already.

Remember, be nice to everyone as that little person you're picking on today could someday sign your paycheck or put you in a fenced enclosure.

-PEACE OUT