Today I wish to speak to you about an evil that is so insidious that it threatens to destroy the family as we know it. An evil so terrible it should be forever banned from the planet. A presence so malevolent its' name should be stricken from the dictionary and never be spoken again. This is the single cause of the destruction of millions families. I'm of course talking about the demonic 'Unassembled Furniture'.
Let me give you an example of this devil, this king of liars, at it's nefarious worst. My wife and I were on our weekly trip to the local Big Mart and I'd ducked over to sporting goods while she was in household goods. As if drawn by the dark force, we met at a display of beautiful furniture. There were all manner of book shelves, computer desks, and stereo cabinets.The most lovely was a mahogany grained entertainment center. It would hold a TV, a stereo, DVDs, figurines, and a large preschooler. We both stood staring at it, imagining how fabulous it would be in place of the concrete blocks and plywood that currently held our most prized possessions. With great pain I broke eye contact with the thing to glance at the price tag. Today only, $159.99. My pulse quickened in excitement as I looked back into the eyes I sensed were behind the glass doors. "Buy me.", it said in a seductive whisper. "Take me home." I glanced at my wife and saw she must have heard it too.
I looked at the store shelf below the thing and found it held the unborn spawn of the entertainment center. They were in boxes, neatly banded with nylon straps to keep the evil embryos from bursting their cardboard shells. Speechless, man and wife moved as if in a trance, and levered the unborn, unassembled furniture thing onto the top of the shopping cart. Without blinking we slowly rolled it to the checkout line. "Take me home." it whispered.
I emerged from the cloud of my fugue state when I placed the box in the living room floor. We just sat for a long time staring at it. Finally, my wife slowly rose and taking my hand, led me off to bed. I fell into a deep sleep but awoke with a start in the wee hours of the morning.
"Build me." I listened carefully, thinking it was a dream. "Build me." The voice was coming from the living room. I crept down the hall and there seemed to be an eerie green glow from the box. I got the scissors from the desk and cut the nylon bands. A sigh reverberated throughout the house. Slowly I began removing the pieces of wood grain particle board and bags of screws.
My wife was standing over me when I became aware of my surroundings. "Have you been in here all night?", she asked. I didn't answer as I resumed screwing shelf KK to upright B. "That's upside down.", she said and pointed to the base. I looked at her, then at the base, and then at the Chinese instructions. I realized she was right, and began taking it all apart again. The furniture demon giggled in my ear as my wife left for work.
It seemed like only a few minutes when she returned but I noticed the sun was setting outside the door. She stood and looked at me in something like disgust. "The upright is backwards. The wood grain is in the back." she spat. Again she was right. An impish laugh erupted in my ear as I disassembled the monster again.
The work went quicker this time and by eight it was assembled except for one little board labeled 'Kick plate YY'. I reached for the four screws LL and my hand came up empty. In a panic, I threw everything aside and crawled across the floor, searching everywhere with hands and by eye. "Build me.", it hissed. I searched to no avail, and all the time it was hissing, "Build me, Build me, Build me."
Finally, I came to my senses. I walked out to the garage and retrieved my favorite hammer and four large nails. My wife rolled her eyes and muttered something unkind as I nailed the board in place. The splintering of the particle board was barely noticeable when I stood the satanic cabinet up and smiled at it. I think it was happy to be built after all of this time. It was a little crooked so I put a few playing cards under the right side and started loading it with the TV and other valuable things. Satisfied at last, the devilish entertainment center rested. I also felt satisfied and fell into bed with a smile on my face.
We both jumped out of bed at a loud crash. We ran into the living room to find the entertainment center on it's face. The TV sparked and smoked. Broken figurines were scattered around the living room and down the hall. My wife swore an oath in a strange language and stomped out of the room. For a moment I willed myself to wake up but soon realized I was awake and that this horror was real. Furious, I grabbed the splintered end of the demon and by superhuman effort flipped it over. I grabbed my hammer from the coffee table and hit it, and hit it again, and again. Wood splintered and screws snapped. Patented screw-lock fasteners fell away. Soon it was a pile of splintered simulated wood grain and broken glass. The broken thing laughed and laughed as I swept it up and threw it into the back of the garage.
My wife doesn't look at me the same way anymore. She barely speaks to me, and I think she may be seeing another carpenter. Sometimes when I come home things are already repaired. Our friends must know about the entertainment satan, because they speak in hushed whispers about me. Strangers slow and point when they drive by. My kids gaze at me with pity. The counselor thinks it's post traumatic stress disorder, but I know better. It's that thing that still haunts me. Late at night when everyone is asleep I hear it calling me from the garage. "Build me.", it says. When I look in the garage I can see it's malevolent eyes in the broken glass. I should get rid of it but I can't. One day I may put it back together. One day.
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