When Stuff Hits the Fan

When the S.H.T.F. (“stuff hits the fan” is the polite form) and society collapses, everything we trust about our daily lives will take a beating. Lots of people are spending a lot of time and money getting ready for the apocalypse.

All city people need to pay attention to this and be prepared. Folks in the country are good to go.

City people, stock up on food. During the apocalypse you won’t be able to go eat at the mall. The mall will be full of looters stealing TV’s and hair extensions. You’ll have to actually cook. There is probably a thing called a stove in the kitchen, so now is the time to familiarize yourself with it.

Country folks already have food. It was preserved from the garden. The meat probably isn’t from the deli case; it’s from the farm or hunting and fishing. Cooking it comes natural to those in the country so it can be done on a stove, grill, rock, or on the exhaust manifold of a truck. We’re good on this one too.

City folks stock up on medicines. You need to have a supply of your hair growth drugs and those little pills that keep your feelings from being hurt.

Country folks generally just need aspirin, Vicks Vapo-Rub, and duct tape. If we need something else, some of our neighbors will have it or know of a suitable substitute. For example, we don’t need pills for hurt feelings. We just take a big swig of “walk it off” and we’re good.

Some people say to stockpile firearms and ammunition for self protection. I know city people have guns. I see it on the TV every night.
City folks, get rid of your guns. You don’t know how to use them. Every time you pull the trigger you end up shooting a Grandma or a little kid. If you insist on having a handgun, don’t hold it sideways when you shoot. You look like an idiot. Hold the danged thing straight up and down just like the big boys do.

I don’t even need to discuss guns in the country. We have them, always have had them, and always will. We know how to shoot and not hit a Grandma.

I think I’ve demonstrated that we country folk are better prepared for the collapse of society than the city people are. If that is so, what’s the chance that we’ll be invaded by refugees from the cities? I think we don’t have anything to worry about. City people aren’t coming over here for many reasons.

Firstly, our counties don’t have street lights or curbs. These things are like locating beacons in the city. Without them, people don’t know what to do.

At night places with street lights are interpreted as civilized. A lack of light means danger. Nobody wants to go into a dark alley or other place that’s dark and full of boogeymen. To city people, this entire area is dangerous because it’s dark at night.

As for curbs, all city streets have them. They’re used to let people know where to drive. Without curbs, they won’t know what to do. They’ll keep edging over to the curb and never find it. If they try to come over here, they’ll all end up in a ditch within a few miles of the city.

City folks are anonymous as they move around doing business and burning convenience stores. In our area there’s no anonymity. If I spit on the sidewalk everyone knows it before the spittle lands. Anyone that doesn’t belong stands out like an elephant on an ant hill. They’re not getting away with anything.

Lastly, city folks are afraid of us. We’re unpredictable in their minds. They think we do dangerous things for fun, and they’re right. We drive in mud, dig minerals out of the ground, and shoot cute furry things. We’ve even been known to run while carrying scissors.

Almost everyone from the city has seen the movie “Deliverance”. In the movie city guys go on a canoe trip deep in the forest and things go really bad for them. City people consider it a documentary. I tell them we call it a love story. The movie is scary enough to keep the toughest city gang-banger in his jammies drinking from a juice box.

Everyone thinks society will collapse. I’m not worried. We’ll be fine. Our President said it well when he said that people in rural America are holding on to their Bibles and guns. He is correct. He forgot to add that people in cities are holding on to their TVs and hair extensions. We’ll see who survives.