Breaking Up

By Charlie Melton

Question: Why is divorce so expensive?

Answer: Because it’s worth it.

I was coming out of my favorite gas station balancing a big soda and I froze like a deer caught in headlights. My ex-wife, obviously just escaped from the nether world, was standing in my path. I probably muttered an oath, but I don't recall. I pushed past her and made a beeline to my truck. All I am sure of is that she repeatedly tapped on my truck and demanded I talk to her. I refused, and sped off. I have no intention of talking to her, and would rather rabid rats eat my eyes than to speak to her. 

For all I know she won the lottery and wants to give me half, but I don’t care. It’s not that I’m bitter, unforgiving, and resentful. Now that I think about it, I am. I’m that and more. What I am sure of is the gas station is now contaminated and doesn’t hold the same attraction it once did.

I bet I'm the only one in the county with an ex-spouse they want to avoid. Wait, what was that? There are others? Are you saying there are one or two? More? How in the world does this happen? How do we end up with an “ex”?

We get the urge to merge, and we pick a potential spouse. OK, the girl picks a potential spouse. Spouse picking is more a girl thing. It’s part of nest building ladies are famous for. Guys allow themselves to be picked, and eventually buy into the idea of nesting. Whoever is the architect, both parties more or less agree to become a couple.

The couple is all encompassed with each other, building a life together and an eventual empire of some sort. They can't get enough of each other, right up until they can't stand each other. I say virtually every married couple starts out madly in love. Over half of those that can't live without each other end up divorced.

Nobody, other than divorce lawyers, knows how this happens. They have irreconcilable differences as a cause. They have mental cruelty. They even have “no fault” which was invented by auto insurance lawyers. I guess that makes sense. A divorce is sort of a wreck. I suppose that both parties cross the figurative center line and have a head-on of sorts.

Maybe attorneys are the problem. Maybe we should get lawyers out of marriage dissolution. We could get other specialties to take care of marriages. I can think of lots of skilled trades persons that could repair or replace a couple.

Doctors should consult on marriage. They may find that the wife develops an allergy to the husband’s manly scent. That allergy could cause general dissatisfaction and the urge to shop excessively. An antihistamine twice a day and the family unit is saved. Maybe he has a blind spot and can’t see his socks on the floor. A little eye surgery and boom- happy couple.

How about the trusted mechanic? Take your marriage into the shop and Mac can put it on the tester. He'll reset the “put the toilet seat down” module and the couple runs just fine. Maybe one of the couple has a bent linkage that causes one of them to end up at the horse track or gambling boat repeatedly. A vigorous rap with a mallet cures the problem.

A grocer could also consult on marital discord. “Not getting along? Maybe you need more fiber. We have cereal on sale for $2.98. No one can be unhappy with fresh broccoli for $1.29, today only”.

When you look at it logically, we’re doing marriage completely wrong. We are getting it backwards. We should marry the person we hate the most. We can fall out of love. I say we can fall out of hate as well. The guy may meet a girl that he can't stand to be around. He'll walk over and say, “You disgust me. Want to get some coffee?” She’ll say, “You're gross. I bet you're self centered and inconsiderate. I'd love to get coffee with you.” They'll get married and gradually learn to tolerate each other, and someday fall in love.

That’s the real happily ever after. Start out despising each other and fall into love. Everyone wins. Everyone wins except divorce lawyers. They can become grocers or mechanics and do some real good for families.