The State of Illinois is Ill.

The State Is Unwell

By Charlie Melton

Illinois has a disease.  We’re number 1 or near that in everything undesirable about a state.

Illinois is the only state that has an A- credit rating. We’re the worst. The states on our borders are AAA, which is good.

Illinois is bad for job growth. Our neighbor Indiana is near the top of the list but Illinois is near the bottom at number 40. While we’re similar to Indiana in geography and culture, we are way below them in job growth. This really doesn't make sense if you see that the average education level in Illinois is higher than the level in Indiana. We were all taught that education leads to better jobs, but Illinois defies that idiom.

Curiously, the rate of obesity in Illinois isn’t very bad. I can only assume that in Illinois most of us can’t afford to eat enough to be obese. Maybe so many of us are out of work and able to exercise daily it keeps the obesity rate lower.

It doesn't make sense we’re a dysfunctional state. We should have everything going for us. We’re in the center of the continent. We have one of the largest cities in the country. We have 2 of the largest rivers in the country and all of the commerce these rivers can possibly bring. We have use of the Great Lakes. Major air hubs are at our disposal. We have lots of interstate highways for numerous trucking enterprises. We have minerals and an ocean of oil. We can, and do, grow enough food for millions. Our universities are excellent. We have talent and drive and desire to succeed. We have all these things going for us and still can’t get our collective act together.

I think our state is sick but I can’t accurately diagnose it. Perhaps a multidisciplinary team of diagnosticians can come up with a diagnosis and a treatment plan. A couple of psychiatrists, an MD, and a social worker could get together and devise an intervention.

Maybe Illinois is bipolar. When the state is in its manic phase it starts a lot of projects it can’t afford and throws a bunch of money out the fiscal window. The inevitable depressive phase comes and the state locks itself away from everyone and covers its head with a blanket waiting for the sky to fall.

There’s a possibility Illinois is schizophrenic. While we don’t see a lot of officials walking around talking to imaginary friends, there are other indications of this disease. The state is completely out of touch with what the normal among us call “reality”.  Another indication is speech that doesn’t make sense. If you've read or heard the official gobbledygook in press releases out of the capital you know what I mean. The State having hallucinations would explain a lot of their behaviors.

Perhaps the great State of Illinois is psychopathic. The state lacks fear of repercussions for bad behavior. The state lacks any real human emotions like affection or responsibility for actions. Its pastime is torturing people; in this case its citizens.

I’m not a diagnostician but I know nuts when I see it. The state needs some intense therapy or a big injection of a mood altering medication in its rear end. After the State is subdued somebody smarter than me can devise an effective treatment plan.

Whatever the specific diagnosis of our State, we can all agree that it’s just plain nuts. It’s not the endearing “flowers in the hair dancing in the rain” nuts. It’s the scary “chainsaw and leather mask” kind of nuts.

The good news up is that when you’re at the bottom the only way you can go is up. I just hope we’re not chain sawed before then.