The Most Dangerous Magazine

By Charlie Melton

In my normal meandering trek over reading material I came across a pretty little magazine catering to would-be psychologists. The cover was so compelling I jumped right in. If you know me at all, you won't be surprised that I became obsessed.

The first thing that catches my eye is “Stop Being a People Pleaser”. The behavior is ultimately self destructive. There are several examples of people pleasing. I don’t want to disappoint the author or publisher so I read the articles and referenced data. I read it over and over again in case I run into the aforementioned professionals and they quiz me on the facts as presented.

One article discusses being unable to say “no” to other people. It moves me to the core. I can’t say no. I don’t really want that piece of pie, but when the waitress asks if I want it I say yes. I don’t want to disappoint her. I don’t want to disappoint the person that baked it by not eating it. The same goes for the second bowl of chili. Darn this people pleasing. Darn it to heck. I even agreed to give half of my stuff to another person. It’s my wife I gave the stuff to, but I’m sure the writer of the article counts that as being unable to say no.

Another facet of people pleasing is taking on too much responsibility. I’m guilty of this as well. All of my life I've taken on excessive responsibility. Early on in my career I accepted the unreasonable responsibility of showing up for work almost every day. I know I really don’t want to do that, but I’m a people pleaser. It pleases my boss and coworkers, so I do it. It pleases my landlord and the bank that financed my truck because they think it helps me pay them. They’re right, I do pay them. That’s what people pleasers do. I’m so bad I spend most of my time at work and most of my money is spent to please others, including a grocer and the electric company.

As a people pleaser I want people to like me, and it’s horrible when someone doesn't like me. I do everything to insure people like me. Take for example parking at the store. I can’t park over the yellow line or someone may be upset and not like me. I pull in and out correcting the angle of my truck. I get out and gauge the distance from my mirrors from the edges of my allotted space. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m sloppy. You may think it’s from OCD, but it’s not. That’s unless you want it to be OCD, and then it is OCD.

I read on and on. It’s not good at all. I've got to break the cycle of people pleasing and do something else with my time. The task seems insurmountable, but I feel I have to. It’s a divine mandate. Where do I start? How do I stop people pleasing?

The first thing I have to do is say no. It’s a simple word, this “no”. I don’t want to say it, but I have to for my own well being. I have to accept the sick feeling I get from saying “no” and learn to deal with it so one day I’ll be a better, happier person.

I begin by telling my landlord and creditors no. I tell them I’m getting mentally healthy and they can’t take my money anymore. I feel guilty and worried but I deal with the anxiety knowing it will diminish. I refuse to help the repo man tow my truck away because it’s not my responsibility, whether he likes it or not.

I move on to my work life. I tell the boss when I want to work. I tell him I have stopped people pleasing and I’ll let him know when I can work and what I want to do at work. I feel a little better about myself.

As time has gone on, my life is much better. I have time for myself. By eliminating the need for people to like me I don’t have to do many of the things I felt compelled to do. My former workdays are now “me days”. I don’t have a truck so neat parking for others is not an issue anymore. The only detriment is that I gave up the remaining half of my stuff due to a judge giving it to my wife.

Mental health is a process. Baby steps will get me there.  I’m getting back to work on it after I read “What is your phobia?”