Tax time is the Right Time

It’s Time to Pay Up

By Charlie Melton

It’s that special time of year. It’s not only the time of year we stare in disbelief at a stack of Christmas bills. It’s also that most patriotic time of year. It’s tax preparation time.

Paying taxes has been a highly revered ritual since time immemorial. Wait, I chose the wrong word. Paying taxes is a highly reviled ritual since time immemorial. Reviled is the word I’m looking for. We despise paying taxes, even though we reap many benefits from this civic duty.

By paying taxes, we get all sorts of benefits. Some, like procuring nice digs for elected officials, are readily apparent. Other benefits are harder to spot.

We pay taxes so that our trusted elected officials have nice places to hang out. Who wants senators or congressional representatives to be uncomfortable while doing what we overpay them to do? We can’t have them uncomfortable like our military is uncomfortable. That just wouldn’t be proper. They have to have those nice leather chairs and polished wood desks to sit at while sending others into discomfort. If we didn’t pay taxes, the legislators might get a splinter or pressure sore from less plush furnishings. Do you want that? I know I don’t. They also need the congressional gym to relieve the stress of spending our money. It’s all very necessary.

We pay taxes so that the less fortunate don’t have to, well, do whatever. I personally feel great going to work under the influence of a soothing balm and ibuprofen so that an able bodied male half my age can go fishing with his buddies. His value is so much greater than mine, I’m glad to pay for his numerous benefits.

If we didn’t pay taxes, protestors wouldn’t protest. There’ll be no time to loot, pillage, and plunder if they have to work to pay their own ways. What would become of our country without the violent and agitated rabble to keep us straight? It could be very bad.

We also pay taxes for prisoners. Judges say that lawbreakers have to be confined. They never say they have to be uncomfortable. If a judge sentenced a person and said, “Ten years in the state prison and no free dental care or college classes”, we’d pay fewer taxes. Would the discount on taxes be worth contending with really unattractive mug shots from a lack of dental care? I just saw an Illinois lawsuit demanding hearing aids for prisoners. I’ll be the first in line to pay for that. Elderly residents would probably agree if they had the appliances available so they could hear the proposal.

I’m being sarcastic, of course. I don’t think any of us would mind taxes if they were spent in a way that resembled sanity in any way. Thoreau felt the same way. He refused to pay his taxes because he didn’t approve of how they were spent. He went to jail because of his refusal, but he saw that as an adventure. They finally released him but he remained unchanged in his opinions.

We fought a revolution against taxes, and we won. I constantly remind British friends of this, but they are unimpressed. They still line up to pay their TV taxes, road taxes, and even taxes on the privilege of an outside faucet.We’re currently not far behind those British. Our legislators spend incredible amounts of energy taxing everything they can get their greedy little hands on. The rock song “Taxman” explains it best: “…If you try to sit I’ll tax your seat….If you take a walk I’ll tax your feet…”

It occurs to me that if politicians served like the military serves, we’d be better off financially. Put up some barracks in D.C. for congress and let the military stay in the capital building. I don’t have a problem with a young corporal having a nice chair and a deluxe gym. Perhaps if congress serves like the military serves we’d have a little more prudence in government.