The Care and Feeding of an American Male

The Care and Feeding of an American Male

By Charlie Melton

It’s 1826. The fierce and grizzled mountain man leads his horses through the deep snow into the rendezvous. It’s bitterly cold in the steep terrain. One horse carries the year’s bounty of furs. The other carries his Indian bride. She rides as he walks.

He exchanges furs for money. The mountain man trades and negotiates for the items he wants. He ends up in debt by the second day, and heads back to the mountains hoping to trap enough to pay off his debts.

As he leads the horses up the trail, his bride rides high in the saddle and is a vision of beauty. She is wearing gold, silver, and the finest silks. He’s spent everything on her. He spent all he earned and hasn't yet earned. He did this because she knows the secret of being his woman. She knows what he needs.

***

Ladies, this story is for you. I was asked why men are so complicated by young ladies at work. They say they get mixed signals from their guys.

The truth is that men are simple. We don’t do signals. We have no long term plan of any kind. You guys can back me up on this. Nothing could be simpler than to know the mind of a man. That mind revolves around a central theme. Everything else is a subtext to that theme.

Men want to be the alpha male. Some call it “king of the castle” or “Neanderthal mentality”.  

When your guy comes home to you ladies, he wants you to be ecstatic he has returned from slaying dragons, welding nuclear weapons, and saving the world for democracy. This want can be filled by meeting his primal need. That need is for you to admire him as your alpha male.

A nap is also a primal male need. The nap need is near the top in the hierarchy of man needs. Some people call it self-actualization. That’s just a big word for a good nap. He also wants a full belly and an operational remote control.

The last three items are self explanatory and easy to accommodate. The “admiring your alpha male” thing requires instruction.

So how can a woman make her man a happy alpha-male? Compliment him. Say things like, “Honey, I really like it that you’re wearing your favorite Aerosmith t-shirt to my sister’s wedding. It’ll mean a lot to her”. Tell him leaving the toilet seat up is charming. You can also try, “The deputy gave you a speeding ticket because he’s jealous of the man you are”. Try it, it’ll work wonders.

Now don't let this powerful knowledge go to your head. I don’t want to hear any ladies saying something like, “Honey, I went shopping all day because I love you and you’re such a good provider.” Another unfair thing is the old, “I was so sad you were gone to work I just couldn't make dinner.” That’s not fair to do to your man. Guys fall for it, but that’s just wrong.

Many ladies do just the opposite of what I've advised. We all know that when women get together they make fun of their men. Come on, you know you do it. If no man can hear the run-down, no harm is done.

Never denigrate their man in front of other males. That is a big no-no. How should you ladies act around other men? Make sure you stay close to your man. Clutch his arm. Maybe whisper in his ear, “Her husband is so weak. I’m so lucky to have you. Who would want to marry Brad Pitt anyway?”

Watch an action movie together. During the movie you can swear the hero falls short of your male’s driving, fighting, and shooting skills.

You could also imply all other women admire your man’s judicious choice of bib overalls for all social occasions.

In keeping with the alpha male theme, you may never loan your man’s truck or tools to another man. If the President’s plane accidentally lands on the lawn and he needs a screwdriver to get it going, tell him to talk your husband after he wakes up from self -actualizing. Make him wait outside far away from the truck and toolbox until naptime time is over.

See, men are simple. Make us feel like we’re the center of your universe and we’ll be happy. In return we’ll make you happy by doing stuff and buying sparkly things.  Just be careful not to abuse him with this new knowledge. You’ll be tempted to do that because women are so complicated.  Your signals are all mixed up.  

Now, it’s nap time.