Last Request

By Charlie Melton

My wife is shakes her head at me and mutters something about me being weird. She’s doing this because I say we should put the fun back in funeral.

Here’s the thing. I’ve been to a lot of funerals lately. My increasing age is directly proportional to an increase in visits to the funeral home. All of the visits are quite sad. The funerals get to me emotionally, just as they are designed to do.

I want my funeral to be different. I want my funeral to be happy. I want the fun in funeral. Come to the funeral, have a glass of Ouzo at the door, and loosen that tie. This funeral is going to be quite a ride.

Firstly, let’s talk cheerleaders. Nothing lightens a mood more than peppy cheerleaders stirring us into a happy place. Professional NFL cheerleaders are best, but college cheerleaders will be OK too. A rousing cheer and some fancy pom-pom shaking will send me off in a most joyous manner. You should discourage them from doing that pyramid thing. Someone could fall, get hurt and ruin my funeral. My wife threatens male cheerleaders, but that’s just wrong. Oh, and for the pom-poms I prefer blue.

Secondly, music and dance would be a good idea. Something snappy, like some 60’s rock and maybe a little reggae would be memorable. Electric Avenue is a good one.  Techno would liven up the place as well. A conga line would be appropriate, and will get everyone warmed up for the funeral procession to the cemetery.

All of this drinking and dancing will take some time, so feel free to bring a picnic lunch. Out of respect for the departed, pie of any kind is recommended. There is no bad pie, so be creative. While you’re at it someone had better put some of those little individually wrapped pies in my coffin. Who knows, the afterlife may be all tofu and sprouts. It pays to be prepared.

So we've all had fun and it’s time to commit me to the earth. I always liked the New Orleans band thing for the procession. It’s a long way to the cemetery, so you may want to intersperse the brass jazz thing with some Tijuana Brass selections. That should inspire some dancing.

When at the graveyard be sure to toss a handful of dirt and any unneeded cash into my grave. The latter will insure quite a spectacle when the guys come to cover me up. “Hey Joe, there’s a twenty down there. I’m going in to get it. Wait, there’s a five.” It may take days to finally cover me up. As for you, you may want to go take a nap. It’s been a busy 3 days.

This is all sounding pretty fun to me. Maybe I shouldn’t wait to have a funeral. Let’s do it before I die. How’s a week from Thursday sound to you? Just help me convince my wife it is not weird. I’ll bring the Ouzo. We’ll put the fun in funeral.